HZ Bits

Going extreme, selecting controversial words, and provoking resentments can be very successful technique. WSJ.com published Amy Chua’s article Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior, and it has been generating a thousand comments per day since it was published. I read the article the first day, and it seems to be a reasonable article that voices opinions that most Chinese families should share and certainly provides some refreshing views to western families. A couple of days later, it surprises me that it creates a commotion even among Chinese families. One of my friends, who grew up in China, forwarded a comment to me, and citing the comment was well voiced. It surprises me because I know this friend personally shares many characters that Amy Chua describes, yet she is evidently crying against this article. So I read the comment she forwarded and can’t help wonder that why so many people just don’t know how to read.

Amy Chua’s article, in summary, are merely voicing following opinions:

Western parents worry a lot about their children’s self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child’s self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there’s nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn’t.

Western parents does worry more about their children’s self-esteem than Chinese parents. And the opinion follows is arguably reasonable.

All decent parents want to do what’s best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.

Hardly can deny.

Western parents try to respect their children’s individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they’re capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.

Essentially, Amy Chua is actually trying to explain the difference of two cultures and especially the beliefs in Chinese culture.

Reading through the comment, it is apparent that for many readers, these opinions, which was what the whole article was about, never even get into their mind. They never really thought on these opinions — before they start commenting.

Here is the comment my friend cited:

Chris Mah wrote:
I was the youngest of five children raised by Chinese parents, and I
can say with confidence that even by Chinese parents’ standards, Amy Chua’s views and methods are extreme and dangerous.

Here we see that from the start, this commenter is really commenting on Amy Chua’s specific examples rather than commenting on Chinese culture in general. In a plain language, this commenter is saying: I share your Chinese culture, but you are too extreme.

I grew up with Chinese parents who were strict but fair and tough but loving. They had their own ideas of what they wanted for me, but supported me even when my ideas were different. I ended up with a degree from an Ivy League school, was a Division I athlete, gave solo violin performances in four different continents, and landed a job at the most successful technology company in the world.

So this commenter fits in a stereotyped Chinese image. The fact he is presenting here is that his parents were strict, fair, tough, loving. But do note that he already assumes that Amy Chua is strict, not fair, tough, not loving. Where does “not fair”, “not loving” coming from?

I say this not to impress anyone, but to illustrate that any parent can use fear, intimidation, and shame to produce a robot child who can play concertos and multiple 6-digit prime numbers in their heads, but it takes a special kind of parent to raise a high achieving child who is also well-adjusted, socially competent, and has characteristics like humility, open-mindedness, and empathy, traits which are sorely absent in people like the author.

Assumes more “facts” that Amy Chua was mainly practicing “fear, intimidation, shame”, and here children is not “well adjusted, socially competent”, and lack “characteristics like humility, openmindedness, and empathy”. I re-read Amy Chua’s article, it is not possible to get these “facts” from her words, they are just not there. This commenter generates these ideas in his mind, and possibly right after he reads the title and first paragraph. Like this:

Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior

– Superior? My family is superior. Let’s see how you can be more superior than ours.

Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do: … …

– Our family was different. I was sometime allowed to … So we are different, but you can’t be superior than mine, so your children must lack certain traits, such as … …

Our mind works faster than we realize, and before we know it, we already read more than the article writes. All the following reading are automatically mixed in with these conjured up “facts” in mind.

Children who are raised by parents like Amy Chua turn out to be adults
like Amy Chua: paranoid, insecure, abrasive, and incapable of forming
healthy relationships with their children, friends, or spouses. Even in this
short essay, it’s clear that the way she alienates her friends, passive-
aggressively insults her husband, and belittles her children point to
some serious social deficiencies which she is sadly passing on to her
children.

More “facts”: paranoid, insecure, abrasive, unhealthy relationship with their children, friends, husband. Where do they come from?

Even more disturbing is the pride and satisfaction she seems to get out
of the controversy she knows she is generating by advocating such extreme views. What any rational person would perceive as “abuse” she no doubt considers “tough love”, and she will no doubt reject any critics as “weak” or “soft”.

Further projections based on conjured up “facts”.

She has a twisted perception of herself as the selfless martyr who sacrifices blood, sweat, and tears so that her child can succeed despite
their effeminate, bleeding-heart husband’s attempts to undermine her at
every turn. In reality, everything she is ostensibly doing for her children
is actually all about Amy Chua: she knows that readers will despise
her, but she wants to feel the jealously of others who can’t muster her
toughness and discipline to reap the rewards of her perfect brand of parenting.

Further development based his earlier “projection”.

This kind of parenting disgusts and appalls me. This kind of willful,
condescending, simplistic, narrow-minded, unapologetic idiocy disgusts
me even more. I feel pity for Amy Chua, her husband, and her children.

Now seeing the “facts” this comment sees in his mind, me too, pity for Amy Chua, her husband, and her children.

But through this comment, I don’t see which point that he is against that is actually written in the article. Did he read?